A students' magazine for mental health advocacy




So a horse walks into a bar
   and asks for a job application
the bartender says, in this order
     1. Holy shit a talking horse
     2. Do you have at least three references
         to previous employment at bars
the horse replies
    my parents worked on a farm
        but always dreamed of being racehorses
    whenever I asked them how to make hay
       they would tell me
       Just follow your carrot 
             And soon you will find yourself
        At the Kentucky Derby
             Having been transported there by magic.
the bartender says
      So that would be a no, right

So a horse walks into a bar
       along with a few friends
       an arcane ritual, the horse is told, is called
after its third drink, the horse develops clairvoyance
       the Formless God of Branching Futures
       appears before it
the horse asks
      how do I not cause the apocalypse by talking
the Formless God of Branching Futures
      says in an unknowable tongue:
      Sorry Man You’re On Your Own

So a horse gets off the subway
    and sees an unopened package of english muffins
         sitting on the rail
the horse takes a minute to stare
               weighing neurotic sanitation vs. hunger
        then puts the package in its saddlebag.

So a horse walks into a bar
     bangs its head
     and yells at me for making such a stupid pun
the horse knows this is just it externalizing its self-loathing
     you'll never get to the Kentucky Derby 
      if you can't even prevent yourself from walking into metal bars

the horse thinks to itself
     if you can't make it to the Kentucky Derby 
     then you are not a horse
                  be a horse

So a horse walks into a set of bars
     made of unicorn metal
              shimmering invisibly
              like mental illness
              pixie dust
              and other things considered imaginary
     standing between it and
     The Land of Useful Horses
a self-help website says       
      use your hands to undo the lock mechanism
the horse says
      I         don’t         have       hands
the website says
       you need to improve your attitude 

so a horse walks into a bar
     and asks the bartender for a manhattan, extra bitters
the bartender says
     Why the long face



Eddy Martinez is a non-binary weirdo from Santa Cruz, CA, living in the Boston area. They (along with some much more reliable folks) founded the UMass Boston Slam Society, so they guess they've got that going for them. Eddy likes to write incomplete works of speculative fiction and cute poems about crippling existential despair.