on Googling my condition
eating disorders are complex and arise from various psychological, emotional, behavioral, and social factors (I lash out, hunting for the pin prick in my air balloon of a body. blame my parents. competitive school. society. weighing machine. myself.) victims look for ways to justify the disorder (I spin the the fridge magnet, BMI calculator turned wheel of fortune. no matter how I crush myself, it tells me I’m slightly above a “healthy” weight.) these disorders are associated with white women of privilege, but in reality eating disorders do not discriminate (how ironic. I am dying of equality?) a realistic treatment plan can facilitate recovery (that is the goal: travel from diseased to recovered. but I have fallen into the gap in between.) the support of family and friends is a great asset (they will see me in this light and not recognize me.) research efforts are constricted by lack of funding and a societal emphasis on being thin (lack of humanity causes lack of funding causes lack of research. why do we comb space for black holes when so many exist inside of me?) results vary widely by study, but crude mortality rates are estimated at around 5 percent (5/100. I automatically reduce it to 1/20. swear that 20 have asked me how to reduce themselves too.) incidence rates are increasing in females aged 15 to 24, with other groups remaining stable (every dinner party an open grave of kids refusing to eat dessert.) victims experience difficulty concentrating and sleeping (vanishing is an exercise in pushing myself past my body. I am tired of being haunted by what I need to survive.) victims experience difficulty concentrating (laughter. poetry. paper one hour before the deadline. just because you can create out of nothing does not mean you have to. every empty plate is a stair step out of your own grave.)
(italicized portions are quoted or paraphrased from nationaleatingdisorders.org)
M.K. is a student, writer, and scientist at the University of Texas at Austin. She is currently trying to figure out how to write about the things that scare her. She also enjoys ice skating, being a Mom Friend, and getting in her feelings. Her work has been published in Blue Minaret, As/Us, and Hot Metal Bridge. She hopes you are having a great day!