CORRIDORS

  A students' magazine for mental health advocacy

you take a picture of me and before i can delete it, you tell me how happy i look [for Boudicca and her tattoo]

M AMORY

 

I.

i tell you i haven’t been suicidal since the hospitals

the time my body called my bluff

the radiation treatments

someone else’s blade, or scalpel,

since the test results posed some cosmic joke

asked how badly i wanted to die

and the punchline was i didn’t

at least not like this

at least not just yet

so every day i start with my pill is a day i choose

choosing another commute with moderate delays

or another book I haven’t hated the ending to yet

choosing another day i haven’t had yet

because i can

 

II.

twelve hours after you are released from mclean

you are singing along to the radio with me

until you are telling me the truth

about the day you called me crying

that you had crashed the car on purpose

that you hadn’t wanted to make it to a hospital

you hold your breath; i hold your hand

there is no “it could have been worse”

there is no “you could have had cancer”

there is no “you have to be grateful”

we will both end the night collapsing into each other,

laughing so hard we cry

in an ikea parking lot, of all places,

 

we still haven’t been so many places

we both still have so many bad days we haven’t had yet

and all the days after those, like this one.

 

Retraction // In Which The Poet Blacks Out A Poem She Wrote for Him To Apologize to the Girls He Hurt While He Loved Her.

 

About M Amory


M/Em Amory (she/her) is a queer ball of stress disguised as a nanny/poet/paralegal completing her BA, and pretty much always crying. She is an aquarius sun and leo moon, and blames her entire personality on this. On Wednesday nights, she can be found at the Boston Poetry Slam; on non-Wednesday nights, she can be found asleep at 9pm with her two cats, both scorpios. Twitter/Instagram: queeroceanwitch. 

 

--

 

Text of erasure poem:

 

I. Jackie

 

I lied about knowing about you 

I did

I cannot let you forgive me

You deserve to heal

I imagine a future where you are married

And loved comfortable 

I half wonder if I am not sorry

You should not be together, my darling

The boy is not meant for a domestic ending

Or you

 

II. Rachel

 

You are a thing I have tried so hard to become

I used to say I wanted to see anything written for you in metaphors for me

But I healed

He never really loved you

And you know that

I am so sorry

We tried to ignore the warning signs

I think we both knew that he is running from himself

 

III. Po 

 

You know that you are the kind of girl I used to say will be the last one

The only person who would've stopped the plane

The last time I ended us, I finally realized:

I was trying to find someone else to blame

For him being pulled away.

I have never been good at endings.

 

IV. Neena

 

 I have spent so much time wondering about what if 

I used to say I know how this ends

I never thought I would be able to walk away from him

I have forgiven you for making me

The truth is:

The boy I fell in love with cannot be put back together again.

There is someone else who is loving me now.

Thank you.